It’s okay…..But It’s not

It’s hard right…..being stuck in the maze of your own mind……screaming for understanding……pleading to be seen as more than just crazy. PTSD, 4 “simple” letters yet so powerful. I should mention simple doesn’t exist for those with PTSD, nothing is simple after enduring something that changes your whole view on the world and life in general. 

The hardest part is seeing how much pain I cause when I don’t even want to. I never want to hurt those I love especially the one who grounds me and keeps me on the path of hope. But that’s what PTSD does, it’s triggered by the simplest things (“simplest”) , what was meant to be a kind gesture is registered as abandonment and being unwanted or unneeded. It registers as pain and betrayal by the one person I should be able to trust, but now I can’t. And because I can’t that one person is hurt by my lack of trust. 

I’m one of the lucky ones, I have a husband who sees the PTSD monster for what it is,an ugly reality I never chose. Yet I still lose trust when I’m sent into survival mode, when my mind tells me putting myself in danger is safer than being with him. That’s hurtful to him, as it would be to any human being. But knowing he’s hurting doesn’t stop the storm, the storm.brew and grows and escalates. 

No, my PTSD is not from combat or risking my life for my country, that adds to the guilt of my symptoms and behaviors. But the things my mind creates and the fears I experience are a very real thing. I don’t want to be this way, but here I am. 

Although I’m blinded by the storm I can see that the storms are less severe now than they use to be, my mind no longer allows me to believe hurting myself is a viable solution, that in itself is a gargantuan step into the sunlight. I have to have a very structured day to keep my mind in check, I can’t veer from my plan or the storms come rolling in. I have hope although it’s but a mustard seed. I don’t know that anyone reads my blogs,this one wasn’t my best so I surely don’t blame you, but if you’re out there and your feeling misunderstood,  and your mind is screaming for someone to see you instead of your “storm” , I get it and even when It’s okay…..It’s not okay….. the good news is, even if it’s the size of a mustard seed, there’s hope for it to be okay again…….

Breathe in. Breathe out. Place one foot in front of the other. Keep your chin up so your crown doesn’t fall ……..

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